


Being Afraid

by doubleohsandwich



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Romantic Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-29
Updated: 2014-10-31
Packaged: 2018-02-23 03:08:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2531822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doubleohsandwich/pseuds/doubleohsandwich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Commander Shepard never lets her guard down, never lets the fear show, and for good reason. After being rejected and invalidated by Kaidan, she later finds herself taking comfort in the arms of Thane, where she learns that there might just be a safe place in the universe for her after all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kaiden

**Author's Note:**

> This is a 2 chapter fic about Commander Lowry Shepard finding comfort and love. Sorry all you Kaidan/Shep shippers!!!!

Shepherd remembered being in the mess hall of the SR1, the quiet hum of computers as she sat next to Kaidan. He was lovely, leaned back and relaxed against the back of his seat.   
"You know, I really like talking to you," he exhaled. "Sometimes it seems like you're the only other human who isn't a xenophobe."  
"I know what you mean." Shepherd reached into her pocket and pulled out her cigarettes - it was break time anyway - and lit up. She used to smoke all the time when she was commander of the SR1. It was an old habit from her mercenary days in New York City. It always made her look so intimidating; she'd blow smoke in the face of poor fool before asking, "Do you feel lucky?" Sometimes she'd light one from the heat off the end of her shotgun as she walked away from a battle.   
But her hands weren't all that strong as she fumbled a little with the lighter this time. Kaidan noticed, but didn't mention it. Shepherd took a long drag, then let it out. She took another, brow furrowing slightly. She was thinking, debating with herself whether or not she should say what was on her mind. She let out a long sigh.   
"Kaidan… do you ever think about what we're up against?" The lieutenant, who was enjoying a moment of daydreaming, snapped his head back to reality.  
"Commander?"  
"I mean, do you ever think about the Reapers, how many there are, and how hell bent they are on destroying every living thing?" Shepherd asked. The LT creased his brow.  
"That, uh, is really comin out of left field, commander," he explained. He rubbed his chin lightly. "I guess I don't think about it so much. I try not to. It would be a little overwhelming I guess. Do you?" The sudden unwelcome introspection was threatening a migraine. He could feel the slight beginnings in his temples and behind his eyes.   
"I do. I think about it a lot." The commander let out another puff of smoke. She ran her fingers back through her charcoal hair.   
"Sovereign said there were more reapers. That their numbers would darken the sky of every world. We're one ship. One ship that is less than a fourth of the fucking size of a Reaper. And they want us dead. Not just us, but every single living thing in the galaxy. "   
"Commander," Kaidan interrupted, putting a hand on her knee. "You're not having doubts about the mission, are you?"  
"What? No, of course not. We are going to defeat them, don't get me wrong. Don't even worry about that. It's just…" Her voice trailed off as she finished her cigarette.   
"Just what, Shepherd? Speak your mind," he soothed.   
"It's just… Kaidan, you know I've never had any family. The people I'm closest to, the ones I care about, are the people I serve with everyday." Her lavender eyes wandered off into the distance, avoiding having to lock with her lover's. She wasn't normally this emotional, this open, with anyone. Shepherd felt a knot in the pit of her stomach, but she ignored it. She wanted to share this with someone, just once.   
"I watched every one of them die on Akuze, one by one," She let out a sigh that was heavy with the weight of memories that she still wasn't ready to talk about. Things that were just a little too much. "I'm terrified of repeating that. And leaving Ash behind on Virmire… It brought it all back. Now it's all I think about. The Reapers, the battle, and just being afraid of losing everything again."  
There was a hole in the conversation as deep as the void of space. They glanced at each other, both waiting for the other to reach out and comfort the other. It unsettled Kaidan to hear the Commander like this; it was the kind of thing that would hurt morale and seed doubt. He wanted to hear her say that courage is greater than fear, or that it's the memory of Akuze that pushes her to protect her team. Something strong and heroic. Something that would help him sleep at night.  
Shepherd… Shepherd just wanted to hear that she would be okay. That she wasn't broken. Would it kill Kaidan to, just once, say that things would be alright? Fears are a fact of life, and damn it, she's only human. She was hanging on the limb she went out on by sharing her fears, and all she wanted was someone to catch her. Just once.   
Kaidan cleared his throat.  
"Come on, now, you don't really think that do you?" He ventured, nervously. "You're the mighty Commander Shepherd, the first human Spectre. You eat fear for breakfast." He ended with a slightly nervous chuckle, to which Shepherd caught on.   
Ah. That's right, Shepherd thought. I'm supposed to be the hero.  
"Yep! You know, fear keeps you sharp. Keeps you on your toes," Shepherd forced a smile at him. "Carry a little fear with you. But carry a bigger gun." She patted him on the shoulder before walking away. She could hear the pep come back to Kaiden's voice as he saluted and gave a hearty, "Yes ma'am!"  
That night, she laid in bed, alone, covers over her head. Nobody even heard the quiet cries coming from the shaking lump under the blanket.


	2. Thane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I promised a Thane chapter!

Two years later, Shepherd sat in life support of the Normandy SR2, the glow of LED illuminating the ship so much brighter than she remembered it. She glanced at Thane, who had leaned forward across the table at her, dark eyes shining in contrast to the smooth green scales on his face.  
"Siha, we have spoken so much about me, and yet so little of you," His low voice explained. "I would like to fix that."  
"What do you mean?" Shepherd fidgeted visibly. She didn't know what to do with her hands sometimes. She hardly smoked at all anymore now. When Cerberus stitched her back together, they didn't make her body addicted to the nicotine, or acclimated to the smoke. It was like smoking for the first time again, like she was back with the Reds in New York. But she stopped trying to build up resistance again and quit for good when she found out from Dr. Chakwas that Thane's lung capacity was at 40%. She didn't know if secondhand smoke damaged drell lungs like a human's, but she wasn't going to risk it.  
But she kind of wished she still had something to mess with now, to take the nervous fidgeting out on. Thane noticed her uneasiness, and spoke up.  
"Why do you become restless, siha? You always look so uneasy when I ask about your past, but you seem so eager to know the details of mine," Thane's voice cooed. Shepherd wrung her hands.  
"I… don't talk about myself much. I'm not used to people asking questions," she grumbled, moving around in her seat anxiously. "The stuff in my dossier has everything that anybody usually wants to know. Grew up on the street, joined a gang, joined the Alliance, Akuze happened, and then I became a Spectre."  
"It is about you, but it is not you. If you read a book about all the qualities of a flower, have you actually touched it's petals? Smelled it's sweet fragrance or laid eyes on it's breathtaking colors?" Thane's voice was smooth, trying to soothe the agitation in his siha's eyes. There wasn't anything he wanted more than to know her in a way no one else does. Shepherd shuffled her feet under her chair.  
"Comparing me to a flower? You're a bit poetic today, Thane," She finally looked up. Thane's mouth curved gently at the corners. "Well, what do you want to know?" The drell took in a deep breath, as deep as he could anyhow, as his smile stretched wider.  
"I want to know what makes you laugh. And your sorrows. The stories behind your scars, and your beauty; the war you have lived," Thane continued, eager to be the one to listen this time. "I want to know everything." Shepherd got defensive, folding her arms and leaning back in her chair.  
"Really? What if you hear something you don't like? What then? You gonna just go back on what you said?" Her voice was bitter and hard, remembering the way Kaiden had treated her. They weren't together anymore, not after Horizon, but so much of their love haunts her still. "If you tell me to speak my mind, you better mean it."  
"I do. I want to know," Thane pleaded. "What do you worry for, siha? What do you fear I will say?" Shepherd closed her eyes, putting her face in one of her hands. She rubbed the bridge of her nose and let out a huff of breath. She hadn't spoken to anyone about her fears since Kaiden. He used to be everything to her; they couldn't be open about their relationship because of Alliance regulation, but they spent all the time they could together. He was the only person that she gave herself to, unwilling to let herself be seen so vulnerable by any other person. Yet even when they were closest to each other, he could never accept all of her. He never acknowledged that she might feel fear. As human as she made him feel, he always held her in more of a superhuman light. She didn't fear what Thane would say, she feared denial. She feared that sinking feeling that her emotions must be tossed aside when they were at odds with someone else's; that she must always be the hero, at all times, unfailing. Be whoever the Alliance thought she was. Whoever the Council thought she was. Whoever the people thought she was. Whoever Kaiden thought she was.  
"Thane, what if I told you I was afraid?" She paused, waiting breathlessly for a response.  
"Of what?"  
"Of losing people. My squad," Shepherd explained, slowly. She rubbed her arms with her hands, like she was fighting off a chilly wind. "On Earth, I grew up alone, on the streets. Never knew what family was. Even gangs don't act like family. When I joined the Alliance, at boot camp, that was the first time I ever had somebody really looking out for me. That was new. Then, after a few years, I got my own command. Wasn't captain of the Inspire, but I knew the name of everyone on it. Every single person."  
Thane listened, dark eyes scanning Shepherd's troubled face.  
"We went to Akuze to investigate an anomaly on the surface. We had a small-class cruiser with no dropship, so we had to land. It was just a regular investigation, no signs of trouble. We had no idea what was coming." Shepherd's mind ventured back, reliving as she retold the terror.

Blood. There was blood everywhere. I tried to push myself off the ground, no good. Leg caught under… under god knows what. It was a trap, a damn trap. Got to… warn… Inspire. Run. Run.  
Radio static.  
"…erd. Commander Shepherd… you read? …. Sending backup, hold…. Opening airlock."  
I tried to scream, tried to tell them to run, but I could only sputter a mouthful of blood.  
And then it was all dark, all quiet.  
I woke up in a stasis field, just alive enough to be conscious. I remember… white coats. Men talking. Happy I survived, was awake, etc. Finally, they could start on the experiments, they said. They opened the bay window, letting in the bright light from the planet's white star. Looking out over a desolate land, entirely desert.  
"Watch carefully, Commander Shepherd."  
Watch what? Part of the desert ahead split open, exposing a lift that brought a handful of people into the blinding light. They stumbled, covered their eyes. Their uniforms were Alliance. Their faces were familiar. Inspire mess hall crew.  
Then the ground shook like we were taking heavy fire. Springing out from the sand, giant tentacles stretched up to the sky like spires. The gruesome head breached the earth, screeching out a terrible roar. Acid dripped from it's glowing blue mouth. Thresher maw.  
Screams erupted as the beast tore into the helpless people below. They weren't even armed. I watched, useless, until the thresher withdrew back into the sand and everyone was dead. The men in coats were pleased.  
They released a neurotoxin into the tubes in my arms, paralyzing, but not numbing. Must alternate stimulus, they explained. Desensitization is counter-effective to our goals. They cut, slowly. Deliberately. I wanted to scream, but my mouth would not move. The pain would fill my mind and close my eyes until there was nothing but the ache. Then, it would stop. The bay window would open. The sand would part and the sun would blind another handful of people on the lift. And the cycle would start again.  
Over and over. The screams of the newly dead would echo in my mind until the next group was brought to up to meet the beast. It felt like days. After a while, there were no more crewman from the Inspire left. Just me, the Commander of a whole company of crumpled bodies and blood on the sand. And then I was brought out.  
They released me outside the facility. I had my armor on again, and a helmet. There were guns of all kinds set aside for me. My crew didn't get that luxury. A voice called out over a loudspeaker.  
"Commander Shepherd, you have watched this monster slaughter your crew. You now have the chance to take revenge on it, to kill it. Do it."  
It rose from the ground. I picked up a grenade launcher from the stockpile. The bay window shattered after two shots, setting off screams and alarms. The maw was immediately drawn to it, spitting projectile acid in on the science team.  
I took revenge on the monsters that killed my friends.  
I don't really remember how I got out of there. I think I stole a ship, got it out of orbit, and called the Alliance. I went out of commission for a few months, for psych evaluation and therapy. Sometimes I still wake up, drowning in sweat, thinking of nothing but blood and sand.

Here in the present, Shepherd's eyes were locked with a piece of tile on the floor. Her nails dug into the skin on her arm, not even feeling the pain.  
"I know we can stop the Reapers. We're the only ones that can," Shepherd explained, coming full circle with her recollection. "But this crew is my family. This ship is my home! I can't… I…". I can't be orphaned again, she thought.   
Thane glided over to his raven haired angel, kneeling in front of her. Gently he pried her fingers from the marks they were digging in her biceps, uncrossing her arms slowly. He covered her calloused hands with his as he set them on her lap. She would not look at him; she was trying to hide the shame she felt from the tears that bubbled and brimmed at her eyes. Thane reached up to her chin, his light touch directing her gaze to his face. The pad of his thumb caressed the remainders of a scar on her jawline.  
"Siha," his low voice softly rumbled. "You are in pain. There are wounds on your heart from that day that are still healing. There is no reason to be ashamed of this." A few drops tumbled from Shepherds eyes. Her lips, previously pressed together tight as she held her breath, parted as she let out a whimper. Shepherd slid off her chair into Thane's chest, nearly falling. Thane let her bury her face in his chest, wrapping his long arms around her gently. He cradled her on the floor, rubbing lightly on her back to soothe the quiet sobs that came out occasionally. After a few minutes, she looked up at her lover, nose running and eyes puffy.  
"Heh," Shepherd sniffed. "Guess I'm not going to dinner. Can't let the men see me like this, you know?" Thane moved a rouge strand of hair off the bridge of her nose, smiling slightly.  
"Then stay, siha. Stay as long as you like. I will bring your meal here." Shepherd smiled faintly and nodded.  
Shepherd spent the whole night in Life Support with Thane. He listened to her stories, the bad and the good, comforting her late into the night. In the dim light, he held her close as her breathing slowed and she finally fell into sweet sleep.  
But Thane was awake. His heart was pounding in his head. She was asleep, she would never know, and in the larger picture, his actions in this moment would very likely amount to nothing. Still, did he dare? He took a breath.  
And then, he gently pressed his lips to the top of his siha's head. He released the kiss with a soft noise, and leaned his head back against the pillow.  
His anxiety melted away as he closed his eyes, ready to fall asleep. She wasn't awake, but maybe some part of her soul could feel that kiss, and would know that he cherishes her, with all her fears, everything that has made her the woman she is. And that was enough for Thane tonight.


End file.
